Where were you, Job?

Prologue:

Once upon a time, there was a man named Job who was wealthy and successful, and worshipped Yahweh faithfully: burnt offerings, prayers, and libations. Satan, who always has Yahweh’s ear, said “Job remains faithful only because he is making a buck. If you allow my minions to torture him, he will curse all y’all.” Yahweh smiled. “You don’t know Job like Himself does. Himself created Job in Himself’s own image, and Job will stand firm in his beliefs no matter what. Go ahead, do your worst — just don’t kill him.” The dark lord killed Job’s children, slaughtered thousands of his animals, and covered Job head to toe with painful boils. Job’s wife, friends, and rabbi said, “Y’all must have done something to offend the gods: Repent, or curse Yahweh and die.” But Job said, “No, I was doing exactly what Yahweh asked, not only for me but for all my family, when this evil smote us. I will not repent or curse Yahweh.” So the misery continued, lo even intensified.

Job’s rabbi,

Who claimed

To have Yahweh’s ear,

said:

Pay no attention

To the scribe

Behind the curtain.

Fear the whirlwind.

Fear the layoff.

Fear the wealthy,

Who have swallowed

The Earth.

Fear the bills

That devour

Your wealth.

Elihu the insurance agent said:

Sorry, boils aren’t

Covered

By your policy.

The bankers said:

Repent and buy.

Buy even when

You have nothing.

Zophar the politician said:

How dare you

Question

Our political system,

Our president,

Our bought-and-sold leaders?

Bildad the Baptist said:

Do not question

Our preachers

Though they be baptized

In the blood

Of molested children.

Eliphaz the elider said:

No man is

Above the law.

But the gods are:

Lounging in gated

Palaces,

Seducing humans

With promises:

Streets paved with gold,

76 virgins,

Free harp lessons,

No death, suffering, pain.

Bodies restored to youth.

Gravity will tug

Only when needed.

Time will go on

Forever,

Leave your clocks

At home.*

After years of misery, Job, said, “Enough is enough. Yahweh, why did you allow me and my family to be made miserable? What have I done but faithfully follow all your laws and decrees? You got some ‘splaining to do!”

Yahweh whipped up a great dust storm and threw His voice so it appeared to be coming from the midst. “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the universes?” he thundered. “Where were you when I created your ant-like self from dirt and spit? How dare you question your maker and King of Kings?”

Job answered back: “Where were you when Satan was killing my children? You’re supposed to be omnipotent; why didn’t you stop the excruciation sooner? Are we, your creations, mere toys to be played with and lent to hooligans?”

Yahweh said, “You can’t make omelets without breaking eggs. Your children were once eggs, and they needed to be broken in order to demonstrate faithfulness to other humans, so people will keep in line and not ask too many questions.”

“But why me, Y?” wept Job. “Why punish one of your righteous followers? Why not smite an unbeliever instead?”

Yahweh smiled. “It’s not news when an insignificant unbeliever suffers. Humans suffer by the millions all over the planet, and will continue to suffer as long as humanity exists.” Yahweh tossed back His long hair. “However, if I smite a famous person, such as yourself, it resonates with all the people.”

Job hung his head and wept more, keening for his children. “So you punish me for being righteous and successful?”

Yahweh nodded.

Job went to the gun show and said, “Dark Lord, I need an untraceable assault rifle.”

Satan whispered to Yahweh, “Told you so.”

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